The Rope

Why does it always have to be a tug-o-war?

I've never liked this game. I'm cutting the rope in half.

You are free to do with your half as you see fit.
Be creative with it, or do nothing with it.
Your choice.

But don't use your rope to create a noose, a snare, a tripwire, or anything else that interferes with what I choose to do with my rope.

And right now, I'd like to jump rope.

Please give me some room. You're standing on my rope.

Cereal Box Surprises

What happened to the free giveaways for the little people?

Everything seems to be a code that you need to enter online, cut out and sent away in a self addressed stamped envelope with a check for shipping and handling, or "texted" to whatever phone number.

I miss the little thingamajigs that used to come inside the cereal boxes.
I miss opening the box and pulling the full bag out to see if the Hot Wheels car or Wacky Sticker sheet was in the box or somewhere inside the cereal bag.

My kids are missing out on an important ritual, here!

So today, for nostalgia purposes, I am writing the rest of this post in lemon juice. This way, you can use your Secret Cap'n Crunch Decoders one more time.

If you lost that somewhere back in the 80's, sorry about that.
I guess you'll have to try holding the monitor up to a candle or a hot lightbulb in order to see the secret message. :)

Politically Incorrect

One of the bad things about working overnight is that there's a much smaller group of people working with you than if you work days.

Plus, studies show that you're more inclined to develop health issues, and statistics show that something like half the people you meet on the road after 10pm are under the influence of alcohol, thereby increasing your chances of dying on the way to and from work. But as of today (here in MN) the police can pull you over and ticket you for no other reason than for not having your seatbelt on, so I'll be working on getting in the habit of wearing that. Plus, my cruise control is working again. Hopefully my airbag deployment device also does.



Time to fire up the trolling motor. I've drifted.

Makin' little waves here as we head back to the subject.



One of the benefits to working overnight is that you are not always subject to the same rules and regulations that your daytime counterparts are. Check this out...

So, the boss? He lost half of his index finger at an earlier job many years ago. There's no HighFiving that guy. It's more of a GimmeFourAndaHalf!

"So for clarification purposes, do you need 5 gallons of vanilla...or 4 gallons and 1 half gallon?"

And more stuff like that.

It makes me wonder - if the opposable thumbs were both missing, would he still be human? Or does he then fall in with the monkey group?

Or how 'bout the middle finger? If part is missing, is the missing part the "F" or the "U"?
Either way, you wouldn't be able to not laught at someone who used that particular hand gesture with only part of the middle finger there.

As for the other members of the crew...

We have a Johnson on the crew. We call him "Tiny".

We have the high school dropout.

We have the crotchety old fart that swears a steady stream of curses while he works, throws his hands in the air a lot, and is about the jumpiest and easiest person to startle that I've ever seen. I've had a lot of fun with him. :)

Then we have the guy who's missing one of his eyes due to an accident that occured in his youth. The lesson there is "Don't play with knives - unless you wear glasses."

Of course, there are a million things you can say to a person who's missing an eye if they have a sense of humor about it. "Arrrggghhh!!!", "Bet you didn't SEE that coming!", "LOOK OUT!" etc.

I think my favorite is the smiley face drawing Missing Finger Guy gave Missing Eye Guy. It looked like this. -> .) There is definitely a sick mind at work there. Made me happy.

Last week, somehow Missing Eye Guy's fake eye fell out and bounced across the floor. I didn't see it happen and he had it back in before I heard about it, but I asked him if we could use if for a hackey sack on break. Then I asked if he could pop it out and put in one of those plastic containers you get out of a quarter machine, because that would look cool if you put odd stuff in it. He chuckled, and said it's not shaped right, and explained the process of how a fake eye is made - which was actually quite interesting!

We have the older guy who does everything other than what's actually important to get done at the moment. We had a bit of a go around when I first started but get along smashingly now. (I pointed out that it doesn't mean I'm not doing more than he is just because I'm not wasting time will all sorts of useless movements.) So now we get along great and talk of gardens. Plus, he's a war vet. You have to respect him no matter what for that.

We have one person of non-Caucasian origins. He once asked what the civil war was fought over. We told him "Oil". He believed us. I later asked him if anyone gave him a different answer to his question and he said it's in the past and he didn't care. I didn't want him to get beat up my his family and friends so I told him that as a black person he should probably know the answer. He asked, "Why do you have say black? Why can't you say Native American?"

Ummm...cause your not a Native American?

Doesn't say much for whatever school in New York he went to. The cracks were big. He fell through.

We discuss important things at work. Things like, "Does the lightning come down from the sky or up from the ground?", or medical stuff like bleeding gums or if you're really dead when you have no vitals but are still able to be brought back, or "If you can't wear white after Labor Day, when can you start wearing it again?"

Every time we actually have a real conversation, New York's argument is so completely backwards that even the high school dropout shakes his head in awe at the stupidity.

We've decided that the police should go do his mom's door - and instead of telling her that her son is dead, tell her that she failed. Horribly.

As for me, I get a lot of crap for not following sports, and for my inability to catch anything that's not shaped like a box, and for working there at all since I have a college degree.

As for that last part, I have to agree with them. And maybe I'll have to speed up the process of getting a daytime job where I can't tell the boss whatever I'm thinking at the moment and still be employed the next day.

The reason is this. Boy 1 likes a girl. I haven't met this girl yet, so I asked Boy 2 about her. He said, "She's hot." I asked if she was another (insert name, which is interchangeable with "person who's always in some kind of trouble") like the last girl he liked. He said, "Yeah, probably. She sneaks out of her house at midnight."

Which is just what I need. I'm gone and he likes a girl that sneaks out of her house.

I reckon I'll have to talk to the boy.

Dancing in the Rain

Well, not exactly...and not the Hosta variety, either.
But it certainly was cold and wet today!

So.
Every time I buy new tennies, I have these grand plans of taking better care of them the previous pair.

I was thinking about that today while I was standing in mud with my chainsaw spitting little nurgles of tree all over my feet and the rain dripping off the brim of my hat and soaking my freezer suit from Job2. I was able to see my breath today, so was thankful I had brought the freezer suit home.

And yes. I was once again wearing my newest tennies.
(They washed up and dried very nicely in the LG appliances, I might add.)

The reason I brought home the freezer suit is actually a blog topic in itself, but the short version of it is that my kids locked themselves out of the house...and me, too...because the keys to the house were inside of it, and so was the garage door opener. The kicker is that rather than tell me they'd locked us all out, they called me at work and asked if they could stay at a friend's house that night.

Brats.

I'd stopped at home between Job1 and Job2 and discovered the situation. I figured I'd be spending some time in the morning sun and brought the freezer suit home to hide my untanned body from the sunlight. And now I've learned how to enter my locked and sealed house without breaking any windows or "Heeeeeeerrrss Johnny!"ing either of the entrances.

Which leads me to The Post of the Moment, and said post will include the sun rather than the rain mentioned in the title.
I'll get to that part shortly.

Back when I was just a wee young lad, even younger than my kids are today, I attended grade school at East Side Elementary in Marshall, MN. The building is no longer serving the general public as a public school, (asbestos?) but we had some teachers there that were worth remembering.

Ironically, I have no idea which one it was that said this to us, but one of them told us that with all of the people currently living and all of those that had lived before us, we would never have an original thought. Anything we think of has already been thought of by someone else.

Well. Ain't that a bitch?
I still haven't been able to forgive her for telling us that, even though she's probably right.
(Which doesn't particularly matter, since I can't remember which teacher said it.)

OK. So someone else has already beaten me to everything that I will ever think of.
But maybe...just maybe... that someone died before they shared the thought.
Ah...a glimmer of hope! (In kind of a weird, twisted way.)

So now I'd like to take the opportunity to share some thoughts with you so that I can ruin it for the next poor sap who's bummed out 'cause all the thoughts are used up. My apologies if you have already thought these yourself as you might find this boring.

My thoughts...

On magnifying glasses. Convex lens or concave lens? I don't remember. But when you hold one up so that the *sun* (See? I came back to it!) hits it just right, the light is focused into a pinpoint line that creates enough heat to start a leaf or a paper on fire.

What happens if that beam of light is run through yet another magnifying glass? Does the light get even tighter and hotter? If you add more magnifying glasses, does it work the same as the telescope concept, only in reverse?

And what happens if you aim that light so that it bounces off a mirror before hitting the target?
Does it still create enough heat on impact to start the object on fire? How about if it were reflected back and forth between several mirrors? Would it somehow create the illusion of additional light as well as having the heat? If so, could you take one of those Christmas ornaments (round, colored on the outside but mirror finished on the inside, super fragile glass/metallic), open a small hole on both ends, direct the sunlight through prisms and magnifying glasses on one end, and get a stronger beam coming out the other?

Would it be enough to evaporate water? Would it be intense enough to push an object? Because if was, I might have a use.

Next - magnetism. In the radio world, FM stands for Frequency Modulation. (AM stands for Amplitude Modulation, in case you ever wondered but didn't care enough to google it.) AM radio waves bounce between the sky and the earth, and therefore the towers are in swampy areas. However, FM radio waves work on the same principle as magnetism, with each FM radio wave pushing the previous wave along ahead of it. They travel in a straight forward fashion, which is why you see FM radio towers on top of really tall buildings or in other high locations. The waves don't bounce, so when you drive through a tunnel you lose your FM reception until you are back out of it and into an area where the signal reaches you again.

But what would happen if you were to take a whole bunch of powerful magnets (equal in all dimensions. weight, shape, size, etc.) and arrange them in a wagon wheel spoke pattern in such a way that gravity treats each the same but they are still set up in such a way that they try to make the one ahead of it move? (Opposites attract, likes repel. Right?) Of course, they'd have to be individually attached to something with some give, like a piece of aluminum (non magnetic metal) so that they could be made to move toward the next magnet, and it could then take it's turn to move the next one, and so on.

What could be used to continuously cause the push? Perhaps some sunlight that's been magnified several times?

And so on.

Some of the other thoughts I had regarding these topics -
- Does any of it matter?
- Is any of it already being used? If so, for what?
- Should I pretend that one day I will have the time and money to run my own experiments so that I can find some practical use that I can patent and sell and become independently wealthy and therefore have more money to run more experiments on stuff that other people thought before me but died before sharing leaving me the chance to cash in on their misfortune and get even more money so I can become the crazy eccentric that drives around town in a street sweeper?
- Is it going to wreck my hoodie if I wash and dry it with my muddy @$$ shoes?
- If I start a fire and burn the branches right here on the ground in the path I'm creating through my grove, will the police see it? If so, is it cold and wet enough where they'll just keep driving and pretend they didn't instead of issuing me a ticket for burning without a permit?
- What works better to clean and whiten a beaver skull...peroxide or bleach?
- How much of the side of the road does the city control even if you own it? Is there enough left beyond their chunk and where my trees start for me to start another garden? If so, should I frame it in rock, landscaping brick, or treated timbers? And what would I name it?

I wonder if either my old Sony Walkman CD player or Toshiba Radio/Cassette still works.
I might be one of those people who shouldn't be left with his "own" thoughts.

That's the end of it for today. I'm throwing in a little extra at the end here to say "Hi!" to family friend, Jean L (mom said you enjoy reading our blogs. sweet!) and also to Doodles (thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!) and my twin sister Valerie, who never answers the phone when I call her, even tho I call her during the hours when she's awake instead of those when I am. (Better quit that or next time we're all together I'm pushing you down the stairs when mom's not watching!)

Oooohh. I think I'd call my roadside garden (In an Arnold voice) "'Hosta' La Vista, Baby!"

The Garden of Sexual Innuendo

How's that for a title?

I'm a gardener, as were my ancestors before me.

At least on Mom's side. I suspect Dad's side of the family did more hunting than gathering, as every year he asks me if I'm taking vacation to go hunting with him.

And every year I say, "No, Dad. I'm not taking a week off from both jobs to drive 6 hours to where you hunt so as to sit in a tree by myself for 5 days in a row, with a good chance of the entire week being a snowstorm, and then driving 6 hours home again at the end of the week, just for the chance of shooting a deer. After all, the car has *x many miles* (currently 281,000+) Maybe one day I just won't "see" one of the deer standing on the road. Or maybe I'll just go buy more beef."

Of course, people who really get into hunting don't understand this logic.

I've gone hunting. I just prefer not to hunt. The last time I shot a critter was a couple summers back, when rabbits ate 37 of 40 tomato plants the night I planted them. (It was a rough summer on the rabbits that year, but the carrion eating critters ate well.)

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the 3 plants they didn't eat were Grape Tomatoes.



Yes. I like gardening.



Now I live in town. I don't have the room for the large veggie garden that I'd like to have, which is OK because I'm equally happy with flower gardening. I'm currently working a shade garden at the end of my dead-end street, and a 16x14 ft raised garden at the back of my patio.

I haven't really worked with shade plants much so I've been having a lot of fun looking at what's available. I've already been offered ferns by 3 different parties, but the plants I've suddenly taken a liking to are the Hostas.

It's probably because many Hostas have fun names, like "Hanky Panky", "Dancing in the Rain", "Striptease", etc.

So recently, while the kids and I were having spaghetti (which I will always remember clearly as it's the first time in my life I actually made the right amount of noodles) I had a revelation.

I should name my patio and gardens!

For the patio, I'm thinking "Safari in Africa". (Although nothing about the patio suggests Africa... unless toad and fairy statues are common there. You'll see the reason for this name in bit.)

For the gardens that are supposed to be in the sun, I'm thinking names such as "The Witness Protection Program", "The Amazon Jungle", "The Peace Corps", "A Gypsee Caravan", or other similar names .

For the shade garden, I'm thinking a name like "The Bed With College Girls".

And now, the explanation for the names of these gardens, as I explained to the kids over our perfect spaghetti portions. As I go through this, please create a mental picture of my teenager looking at me with this "You have got to be the strangest person on the face of the planet" blank stare, and his younger brother outright laughing.



So anyway, it went something like this...

"Guys, what do you think about this? I'm thinking of naming the patio "Safari in Africa". I'll be out there a lot again this summer, so I was thinking we should call it that so when someone calls and asks for me, you can tell them 'Dad's on "Safari in Africa"', instead of 'He's on the patio.' I'm also thinking of naming the gardens. That way, rather than say 'Dad's in the garden', you can say 'Dad's in "The Witness Protection Program"', or 'Dad's in "The Amazon Jungle"' or something like that."

The shade garden is going to take up a lot of my time this summer.
For that reason, it needed a special name.

Once I've gotten a few more plants, my kids'll be able to tell the caller, "Dad is in 'The Bed With College Girls'. There's a little "Hanky Panky" and some "Striptease" action. He's working on some "Sweet Thing" and I'm sure that soon there will be some "Dancing in the Rain". He likes to refer to it as 'The Garden of Sexual Innuendo'..."

I'm thinking this would make me sound studly and would be sure to impress the caller.

Alas, I'm sure they'll just bring my cell phone out to me.

Snakes, and snails, and puppy dog tales...

(Yes, I did use that form of "tales" on purpose.)

So today, as I'm just waking up and getting ready for the day, I clumsily stagger toward the shower. As I approach the bathroom door, my eyes suddenly go into focus on something on the shoe shelf in the front entry.

It was about a foot from my face, so it was hard to miss.

"What is this new item of interest that my children have brought home?", I ask myself.

Upon closer inspection, with closer being about 6 inches, I see they have found a skull.

A dirty skull.

Thankfully, it's just dirt - no tissue remains or bugs in the skull cavity.

Last year they brought home a painted turtle shell. They hid that outside in case I'd be upset with them for bringing it home. Apparently they were pleased with my reaction when I did finally come across it, because now they not only bring the remains-of-the-dead home, they put it on a shelf at eye-level so when I wake up and groggily stumble through the house, I come face-to-face with said dead thing.

I can't honestly say that this upsets me. In fact, it's quite the opposite...

I haven't had the chance to fully inspect the skull to my satisfaction, but I'm pleased to announce that I was able to resist the urge to bring it into the shower with me and clean it using the toothbrush I've saved for Extra-Funky-Shower-Stall-Tile-Cleaning. It looks like it could possibly be to a beaver except that it's too large. It has two large front teeth that follow the curve of the skull. There's no lower jaw attached.

You can bet that I'll find time to clean this skull sometime this weekend.
Outside.
I'm wondering how I can incorporate it into one of the gardens.

And hopefully that turtle shell shows up again. It seems to have wandered off.

I keep hoping I find indian artifacts on my property. Or maybe an indian that 'expired' a few centuries ago. So far, I've only found a horse shoe - and there was no long dead cowboy next to it.

I can't say I wonder where my kids got it from!

Appliances

2 weeks ago today, Boy 2 and I did some shopping in Willmar. I'd decided I was tired of my little chest freezer that always seemed to have something at the bottom that I'd long since forgotten about - and was way past expiration. Plus, I'd purchased a quarter of beef and it was supposed to be ready by the following Monday, and I didn't have enough room in my little freezer to even squeeze in a 1/2 gallon container of ice cream.

The mission for the trip was to bring home a standing freezer. A large one.

Now, I'm the type of person who likes to do a bit of looking around before I make my purchase. However, I'm not the type of person who wants to wait for something to be shipped to me. So, trailer in tow, we went to Willmar.

If you haven't felt the need to wander through the appliance sections of the stores in your area, you may not have noticed some "alterations" have been made to the functions of the new appliances that differ from what you are currently using.

For example, I'll start with something small...like my toaster.
My new toaster has push button technology and a digital display for the setting.
I really don't see how this is an advancement over the dial type of toaster that we all grew up with. However, I had moved, and I'd forgotten I'd wrapped my last toaster up in several layers of plastic bags and put it inside my tool chest - so I thought I needed a toaster. (Plus, this one was a Herberger's Home Store toaster that started out at $100 and was over half off, and I thought it would be amusing to call those male friends of mine who would in NO WAY care about this news, and tell them I'd just bought a $100 toaster. As anticipated, they mostly simply responded to this news with "You're a gay bitch." so it was worth the effort.)

When I purchased the house, I needed to replace the washer and dryer. For these, I decided to go with LG front-loaders. For an additional $400 I could have gotten a set in red that had touch screen programming, but I thought that was a little unnecessary - the digital displays and push buttons were enough.
I've been very happy with the LG set as they have a few thousand features a signifant other could use if a significant other was present, and yet are still able to be run by a Single guy. (A single guy or his 12 and 14-year-old sons, all of who just throw the clothes in, add some liquids where the liquids go, close the door, and press the start button.)
Now and then, the boys will empty the dryer into a laundry basket and then get sidetracked by a video game. (For clarification, "Now and then" is interchangeable with "Nearly every time I ask them to fold the clothes".) The washing machine has a steam feature that works out wrinkles. This is handy.
The dryer came with a shelf that can be added to be used for sweaters. I haven't used if for that purpose yet, but have found it most helpful for drying soggy kid shoes without having the noise you'd get if they were rolling around and beating against the inside of the dryer. (The shoes. Not the kids. They didn't fit.)

But anyway... back to the freezer.

Boy 2 and I stopped at Sears first. (Bonus! There's an attractive girl working there!) They have a freezer there that I liked but not on hand. This goes against my "instant gratification" policy and would necessitate another trip to Willmar with trailer in tow, so we get the freezer specs and move on.

Next we try Home Depot. The dryer and washing machine are from there. The freezer will be placed next to them. Alas, LG doesn't make a standing freezer. Onward.

We try Menard's next. Notta.

Best Buy? Negative. And not the best buy, either.

Local appliance store? Been a local business for many years and very friendly people on hand. They also service what they sell, but I'm not local so am willing to keep looking.

We finally end up getting one at Cullen's, which is fairly new to the town.
It's white instead of stainless, because it's next to a white washer and dryer.
It has a digital temp display on the front and more push button functions so it doesn't look out of place next to the washer and dryer. Plus, it suctions itself shut when you close it for a solid seal, defrosts itself, has lights warning if the door has been left open for more than 5 minutes, and sounds an alarm if has lost power due to a power outage or such.

I like it.

I've been filling it rapidly as school is out now and therefore I can't rely on school lunches to nourish the Growing Boy Creatures. Along with the beef, breads, veggies, and other frozen foods I add 18 half-gallons of various flavors of ice-cream.

There's milk in ice-cream.
And some have fruits and/or nuts.
See?
Nourishment!

So today when I open the door to take out one of the 18 half gallons of ice-cream, I find that D and T have also added to the the freezer.

I find Dairy Queen cups in the door.
LARGE Dairy Queen cups.
Because the 9 gallons of ice-cream in this freezer, along with the 1/2 gallon or so that's in the 'fridge's freezer - and the two Schwan's ice-cream cakes that are still in the little, newly replaced freezer...well, they're just not enough.

So... sigh, shrug, and back to work I go. For work I must. The Powerball thing didn't come through for me, and my lifelong dream of being the crazy guy that drives around town in a street sweeper must be put on hold.

And I still want to replace the 'fridge.
And stove.
And microwave...