Christmas - 2009

Well, sort of. Due to the snowstorm situation, we ended up getting the family together on New Year's Day - 2010. My sister-in-law, Tamsen, brought her 2 children down from The Cities a couple of day's ago and had already gone back - so it was the parents and my sister Sheila and family (minus Moriah due to a work conflict) who were here just for the day.

Tamsen stopped at my place on the way home from mom's place, and it was the first time she'd been there so I would have liked to have had it in better order than it was. Alas, one of my children must have thought it was too much work to bend over and pick up the straw the last time they used the vacuum hose, so there is now a big clog of crap inside the hose that I'm still trying to figure out how to remove. (The vacuum was made by whatever company made the original Electrolux - Aerus? - and has a power attachment on the hose. There's a hard, bent plastic piece upon which the power nozzle attaches - which prevents me from ramming the whole hose down the length of a broom handle to break the debris jam loose. Of course, that's way more detail than you need to know about any of this... but I could use some ideas. Or a really tiny dog - tied by a long and sturdy string to a bouncy ball just slightly smaller than the width of a vacuum hose - that I could place on one side of the hose and call him through from the other.)

So, since the house was in the usual state of disarray, I brought her outside and gave her a verbal description (as it was all under snow) of what I've been doing with the patio and landscaping. You can probably relate to how this worked as the only pictures of it have been on Sheila's blog, and those are already a couple years old.

Oh, I checked for any plants that were coming up. None so far. Only a few months... :)

Back to the topic but still on the patio subject... Mom got me an over sized toad statue thing that I've been wanting. We'd seen it at one of the local nurseries last summer so she knew it amused me. Alas, my paths and solar lights and shorter fairy statues and the other two toads are all under snow, so it'll be hanging out with Dangit (the cat) and me inside the house for the time being.

The statue thing was made by 'Toad Hollow', which probably has a website in case you want your own "pissy toad" (my name for it) to greet your garden guests.


The plan originally was to go to Sheila's for Christmas - but then the region was dumped on by one to two feet of snow and apparently snow plow crews prefer to not work on major holidays... or for a few days after... so we stayed home.

I had done no decorating so there wasn't much of a Christmas theme to the house, but we made it work. I invited the mechanic (the guy that deboned the deer David shot) to join us as the weather had also wrecked his Christmas plans.

We deep fried a bunch of stuff. And had a beer.

No beer for the kids as they are too young - and didn't want any... which is good because I only had 3 left - and who wants to share on Christmas, of all days! :)

On Christmas Day one of the kids' friends came over. He was still here on the 29th so I was starting to think I might need to Google a recipe for "figgy pudding" as it appeared he might actually not go until he got some. :)

I did, however, make them a pork roast and threw a pig heart in with it which I had them try before I told them what it was. I've been wanting to do this with the beef tongue but haven't had the opportunity yet. (This has worked with bear meat, elk, alligator jerky, etc. I'm surprised they never ask what it is until it's already in their mouths. I should find a rat and marinade it in squished cicada pulp.)

Satan sent her douchebag boyfriend to pick up the kids on Wednesday so they weren't here for the family gathering today. That in itself was annoying, but even more so as I kind of hoped to hit him up for a valid driver's license and proof of insurance as I'm thinking he might not have either as he also has no job. (She got him alcohol for his present. Her current husband, also still unemployed to my knowledge, is an alcoholic. I once again find myself struggling to understand her logic.)

She has a thing for losers. This does NOT help my self-esteem. :)

And then Douchebag picked them up early enough where the kids were gone before I got up, and I had put 3 packs of ribs in the Crock-pot and had no kids there to eat them. So the first kid that stopped by asking for them was invited in and he and I had barbecued ribs - and later when the mechanic mentioned he was taking his break and was off to find a place that was still open, I told him to swing by my place and grab the Crock-pot. And I still have some left!


But now it's 2010 and I should think happy 2010 thoughts and whip up some resolutions.

The cat and I haven't whipped any up yet.

I've had good luck with setting a few goals but haven't really worked the resolution angle.

I hope his is to eat less, shit less, and to stop pressing his cold, wet nose into my eye sockets when I'm trying to sleep.

And if he could stop using my testicles as stepping stones every time he walks across the couch, that would be okay, too.


Happy New Year!

Damsel in Distress

Well, I guess we'll be having a white Christmas. I have NOT been dreaming of a white Christmas - but since the ancestors saw it fit to settle here and I haven't taken the initiative to load up the Conestoga wagon and hitch up the oxen to settle somewhere warmer, I guess I can't complain.

It looks like I'll have to change my plans for Christmas as they're saying it's supposed to be the worst snow storm since the 1960's. I was not yet alive then, but I've seen a winter that left a house outside of Marshall under snow... so I guess this could be quite an impressive snow storm!

At least I live on a hill so I don't have to worry about flood insurance!

So yesterday morning I went to WalMart after work and did a few "test runs" with the Cadillac on the empty snow and ice covered parking lot. (It's much easier to get the rear end to swing than it is with the Buick... although the Buick is far better at "reverse cookies".)

And then I drove home...ward.

The snowplows had not gone by yet so there were a lot of drifts awaiting me. But we've had enough snow now where I've been able to practice my "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" style of winter driving, so I was merrily fish-tailing down the highway listening to Abba...loudly...(max volume, actually) when I saw a car up ahead that had its headlights situated at such an angle as to announce that it was in the ditch.

So I stopped and offered a ride to the person no longer driving.

I couldn't see the person until she was at the passenger door, and it ended up being this petite young college girl who was on her way to her grandparents place in Willmar from where she attends school in Iowa. She was dressed in shorts and had no proper attire for winter driving, so apparently when I do get around to pioneering off to somewhere warm, I only need to move one state farther South. It must be MUCH warmer there in December!

I was actually really surprised that she accepted the ride as readily as she did as I'd been at work and I'm sure I had some pretty good static electricity hat-hair going on. I figured she was either overly trusting or had a knife and some mad ninja skills. But she did accept the ride, so I moved my bag of frozen blueberries and my 4 boxes of Apple Flautas to the back seat, she got in, and off we went.

She said she'd been there for about half an hour and that 2 other cars and a snow plow had stopped. The two cars were people on the way to work that couldn't really do anything to help. I'm not sure what the snow plow guy was doing 'cuz he sure didn't seem to have plowed anything. (Although he DID give her the number to a towing service - that wasn't open yet.)

I prefer driving on bad roads by myself. With the Buick, as I come up on snow drifts I'd be thinking, "Ooooh! Here comes a BIG one!!", and fishtailing through the slop would get a "Wheeeee!!!!" With the Cadillac and a passenger it was more like "ohshitohshitohshitohshit..."

And of course the roads were extra sloppy whenever I met a semi.

I was also really, really tired. But for obvious reasons I wasn't going to let HER drive. :)

But I'm afraid that's really all there is to my tale. Through the combined efforts of my incredible winter driving skills and her ability to have a non-stop hour long exchange of text messages with someone at 4:30 am, we arrived safely at her grandparents place. She offered me $20 (I declined) for the help. I wished her a "Merry Christmas!" and a "Good luck with your car." and left.

So that was my Good Deed for the day.

I stopped at SA for a refill of the 64 oz pop and once again I was by myself and merrily slopping through the slush at speeds just a hair faster than the posted speed limit with the radio volume set back to the loudest setting. I got myself home safely, chatted briefly with the kids, and went to bed.

So then we fast forward to the afternoon. The kids are back home from school.

Something stirs in the back of my mind...
it's coming into focus...
Yes! There it is!
"David...Run out to the car and bring in the 4 boxes of Apple Flautas and and the bag of blueberries. Be careful with the blueberries so they don't drip all over."

I guess we'll be having blueberries with whatever I throw together to eat on Christmas Eve. I would have preferred to go to Sheila's and join the family in having our usual Bohemian meal.

Sheila and Rachel - thanks for the cards. They just showed up today! :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Trampoline...no longer.

Yup. That's what I've accomplished this weekend. I took down the trampoline. And I'm using the bouncy black mesh stuff to cover my utility trailer because it still has both my new push mower and one of the riders in it. And tomorrow I'll have to hook it up to the car and try to back it up to where the trampoline used to be so it's out of my driveway when the snowstorm hits.

I just love winter. It makes my life so much less complicated.

I would have gotten more done if I would have gotten up earlier. But I didn't. And then one of the kid's friends stopped and asked if I could run his family to Willmar because the driver that was lined up to take them had a family emergency. And so I did.

When I picked them up I thought they might be getting their pictures taken because they were dressed up very nicely and the mom (who I am just officially meeting for the first time) is fighting with her little person trying to get his hair combed just right.

It turned out that they were going to a Christmas party that was apparently sponsored by a women's shelter or something... so I felt a little stupid dropping them off as they are a black family and I was driving the Cadillac and I had my cap on backwards like some homey wannabe and now looked like a wife beater.

And then I went shopping (bought notta) until the party was done, picked them up and brought them back to Granite. She said she also felt a bit stupid as she had seriously overdressed the 3 of them for the occasion and felt that everyone was staring at them.

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself as she was talking about the meal that was served. She specifically stated that she appreciated it and that I wasn't to take it that she didn't, but she felt they should have included corn bread and a couple other items that I've never even considered to be part of a traditional Christmas meal. (My family has always done a very simple meal of a sweet bread in molasses with ring bologna and prunes. I think it's something that came from the Bohemian part of mom's side of the family, and I have no idea how to spell the word for the bread stuff. It sounds like "bush-ta-keys" - and people who are not directly from the blood line seem to enjoy it even more than our own family.)

So then we talked about whatever came to mind. It's always interesting to see how similar and different you can be to someone at the same time. But I do give this lady credit because she wouldn't let her son stay overnight at my place the one time he'd been over...while I was home, anyway...because she hadn't met me yet. And now she has, so I think he's good to go.
(She gave me gas money and a tray of homemade cookies. Score!)

But anyway, I do like the Christmas part of winter. I think people generally are more friendly during the month than they normally are. I'm not sure why the people who decided what day to celebrate The Birth picked the middle of winter for that day, because to me it seems like it would be a lot more handy to put up Christmas lights in May through October rather than in one of those months where the weather forecast includes chances of flurries.

Maybe it's because they didn't have electricity and therefore didn't put up strands of lights.
But still. Plan ahead a little bit, OK?

And at Job2, like we have for the last few years, we listen to 94.7 FM - which plays nothing but Christmas music for the entire time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's amazing how many times we hear the same classic songs during a night that are sung by different artists.

And when you hear them often enough, you question the lyrics.

For example..."There's marshmallows for roasting..." Do people do this somewhere during December? Is this really part of someones holiday tradition? Cuz' I sure ain't about to bundle up in my freezer suit from Job2 and huddle up against the fire pit to burn a marshmallow.
And from the same song there's the line..."There'll be scary ghost stories..." Really? I'm thinking you're running a couple of holidays together there, Tim Burton. (The Nightmare Before Christmas)

Not that I have anything against these songs. I sing along even if I think the lyrics could use tweaking. I even do some tweaking. Like so...

"A Child, a Child, shivers in the cold. Let us bring Him silver and gold. And an electric blanket."

See? Now here again we run into the problem created by having no electricity during this time period. At least He could use the blanket. Not sure what the silver and gold would've done. Unless they also hadn't created wrought iron and needed silver and gold to make a headboard for the cradle in the manger.

Whatever. I'm sure December 25th was an important day for some pagan ritual or something so Christianity used it to detract the significance from the pagan beliefs. (I don't know if "pagan" gets capitalized. I hope "spell-check" corrects that if it's not right.)

Time to move on. Pretend that the "electric" part of electric blanket, wrought iron, silver, and gold somehow ties the first part of this in with the second part. Although none of this really ties in with the title...

So anyway, I mentioned yesterday that I had talked to David's science teachers. Blah blah blah David has good grades but is missing assignment whatever so write that down and get it turned in there David or I'll have to pummel you love dad.

I asked them about the Table of Elements and if there were only the 4 or 5 metals that were non magnetic. Turns out I had it backwards and that there's something like 88 metals and only 4 or 5 ARE magnetic. So then I asked them if there was a way to bend magnetism. But before they could answer I asked how to make metal magnetic as I'm thinking that you can do so by pounding two of the right metals together. They said to run an electromagnetic current through the metal.

Oh, sure. Let me just strike my MacGyver pose and I'll use this piece of chewed gum and the foil wrapper it came in to rewire my vacuum cleaner (now that the lice problem is taken care of) to make me an electromagnetic current producing thingy.

So by then I knew that it was time to move on to the next teacher, which just happened to be Todd's cute English teacher. But that was across the gym so I had time to think a bit.

If there are 88 metals and only 4 are magnetic, what are the chances that some don't conduct electricity? How about some that store electricity but can't run it through from side to side? How about something like that that doesn't start on fire when you accidentally microwave it?

Just think! The people at Arby's could wrap their ham sandwiches and beef-n-cheddars in this electricity storing metal instead of the fire hazard foil they currently use, (which burns in approximately 5/8 of a second with the microwave set on "high" - by my accidental experimentation.) and then, when you are done warming a sandwich on your lunch break, you can cram the sandwich's nuclear charged wrapper into your Ipod's battery compartment and let it run on that!

Or how about a portable microwave? Just run the non sparking, electrical current conducting wire from inside the microwave to the power cord in the back and the thing'll run on it's own nuke power! (Probably will have to have a nuke charged Arby's wrapper compartment installed to get the power to kick in.)

No more peanuts on long air flights! "No, ma'am. Won't be needing those peanuts today! Got me my portable microwave and my Arby's sandwiches here! Hey. What's this mile-high club thing I hear tell of?" *wink wink*

Or better yet, just wire a couple portable microwaves to the engine of one of those ugly-ass Toyotas that run on part electrical, nuke a bowel of water and convert the vapor into steam power for other half of the hybrid power, and thereby eliminate the need for foreign fuel? (If not the ugly-ass foreign car.)

Yes. I am a genius. And this is why I stand in a freezer or load boxes on a truck for my money. :)

And while I'm on the subject of magnetics again... have you ever put a magnet over sand and found that some of it will "stick" to the magnet? Well, glass is made of sand. If this same glass were to be made of all magnetic sand, would the glass then be magnetic as well?

The speakers in a car all have magnets behind the cones. They could then be stuck to your windows wherever you want them instead of producing "clear and accurate" sounds...to your knees!

"True Surround Sound" has already been used. Probably has a trademark on it.
False advertising. :)

Oh. Hi!

Yes. I seem to have "pulled a Sheila" and taken an unusually long absence from Blogger. I've had plenty to talk about but haven't got on the computer much. In fact, it's been so long since I've used Facebook that I could use a refresher course! (Connie - I'll message you in "chat" sometime. I tried leaving a comment on your wall and it showed up on mine. Must be some new updated funk the Facebook folk have going on.)

So, in the last couple of weeks we finally got hit with a decent amount of snow. Not as much as Sheila and Sindee down in Nebraska, but it sounds like we've got an incoming blizzard currently scheduled for Tuesday...ish, so maybe we'll get dumped on then. Hopefully not, but maybe.

I don't know about NE, but it's been cold here! One of the drivers at Job1 said to me, "Chad, if it was any colder I'd be able to cut glass with my nipples!"

And yet, even with the snow and the cold temperature, I have a plant outside my front door that still has green leaves on the lower half and the hint of some purple on the last few shriveled flowers. I think it's an Aster, and I was really impressed that it's hung on so long... but now I just find it creepy that it hasn't gone dormant for the winter and I'm about ready to dump Round-Up on it and hack it all to hell with the rapier I have for my Renaissance Festival outfit! (Plus, it increased in size by at least 5 times over this summer - thereby blocking the sun from a couple other perennials that now most likely won't be paying a visit next spring. I look forward to transplanting it when the ground is no longer frozen.)

And of course, with the first large snowfall of the year, many elderly people who refuse to admit that they should no longer be driving decide to take their vehicles out and drive around. I think they fear they'll get snowed in like on "7 Brides for 7 Brothers" or something. And then they stop and stare at the weather related accidents which ironically are probably caused either by someone like them who shouldn't be driving in the first place or someone like me who has an underdeveloped sense of self preservation and is driving too fast for the current road conditions. At any rate, they ignore the fact that they are blocking the traffic behind them. (In this case...me. Oh, and the 2 fire trucks that have come up behind me while I was waiting for the old fart to move. I'm not a road-rage type person, but the thought of using my Buick to push his car out into the intersection did cross my mind.)

I don't know what the outcome was for this particular accident, but last Sunday I again came upon an accident before the emergency vehicles did. It was by Cottonwood on a divided highway with 2 lanes on each side and no intersection. Naturally, I couldn't help but wonder how two drivers who were most likely the only two cars on the road for a 5 mile stretch at 4:20 am in rural MN, on a snow-free road, managed to hit each other.

Turns out one of them came down the divided highway on the wrong side. Both drivers were killed.

It makes me wonder if I would have been paying close enough attention to avoid the accident if I'd been the car that met the errant driver. But that's a little more serious than I like to be, so I'll change subjects.

There's mouse shit on the engine of the Cadillac. I found it there just now. That's not the subject I'm changing to but I felt like sharing that with you. :)

Ok. Subject change.

A few weekends back, Todd went to his mom's and David stayed home.

Todd had a concert. His mom missed the concert...again...but was able to find time to go shopping with her mom in a town 40 miles away. (I'm used to stupid shit like this now, but it still annoys me.)

Then, the next day, both kids had their school conferences. I left work for a while because I knew the teachers would like to speak with me. (David is on the "A" honor roll. Todd needs to work on his organizational skills.) I'll come back to the conference part of this later.


When the conferences were done and I was back at work, I received a call from David. He told me that his mom had called them and that she had told Todd to check for lice because everyone up there had them. And yes, for the 4th time now since she moved to Wadena, I had to deal with lice that came from her place.

But whattayado? I took the night off from work, drove to Montevideo and bought the lice treatment stuff and laundry supplies, and cleaned.

I think I may have mentioned a time or two that I'm not a big fan of cleaning. I like having a clean house, I just don't like cleaning it.

Alas, there was cleaning that needed to be done. No way to avoid it. So my vacuum saw more use in a weeks time than it probably has for total combined time since I bought it last spring, and Todd had about 8 months worth of lice treatments crammed into a one week period.

The kicker to it all is that Satan didn't understand why I wouldn't let the kids go to her house the following weekend. (You'll like this.) She's the one with the lice and yet I'm the one left "scratching my head!"

So, rewinding back to the conference part I mentioned earlier...

Todd's English teacher is attractive. I told him I thought she was cute and asked if she was his favorite teacher. He just smiled. (She also has a habit of spinning her wedding ring while she's talking. I picked up on that for some reason.)

I talked a bit with David's science teacher and the student teacher from the class. It "sparked" an idea for a blog topic for sometime later when I'm not running a bunch of ideas together like some big run-on sentence that cute English teachers would surely be annoyed by.

I also talked with their band teacher. David is going on a marching band trip to Washington, D.C. this spring so I talked briefly with her about that and then I asked her if she had 3 part trumpet Christmas music that she could send me.

Sure enough, she did! So, Sheila - please have Moriah bring her trumpet home and hopefully I'll remember to bring our trumpets with us when we come down this year!

Oh! And I'd like you all to know that Val is not dead. (I start to worry after a couple of months. I think about calling after a couple more.) Anyway, she called tonight and she was in a Marshall's store somewhere out in CA doing some Christmas shopping.

I still need to do that. I haven't started yet. Maybe later today I might.

I need to get in the holiday spirit. I was thinking about writing a holiday poem to the ex but I'm struggling finding the words to make it fit the season.
Here's what I have so far.

If I had extra to give I'd wish you holiday cheer,
and I hope you pay your half of medical next year.
I wish you and the douchebag that lives in your basement
would merrily jump from Santa's sleigh and try for a faceplant.
And if all 4 people in your house have heads that itch
consider checking them for head lice, you stu...

Nope. I don't think it's going to happen. :)

Thankful

I'd imagine that even normal people who have produced offspring are pleasantly surprised from year to year when their children haven't done something stupid enough to end their own lives. I also believe that, at some time or another, they have more than likely compared their kids to each other and against other children.

If not...oh well. I do. However, I tend to run on a little long so I'll save the comparison part of that for a later entry.

So anyway, the kids and I went down to Nebraska to my sister Sheila's house for Thanksgiving. (Her house is old and big and has sliding doors and a grand stairwell and a separate stairwell that was once used by servants and it's just really neat.)

Our mom also made the trip. Mom lives about half an hour away but we drove separate 'cuz I had Black Friday shopping to do. (Mom also has an old house. Also beautifully done. I seem to have house envy. Maybe I should clean mine.)

Anyway, Sheila is the oldest of the children in the family. (I'm the youngest. I like reminding her of that.) Sheila and her husband have 3 children - all of who are now out of high school with the youngest being in college.

I have always admired their family. They have a strong relationship and even with the thousand other things that go on in a family's day-to-day lifestyle, they always have time for each other, work well together, and laugh about it.

Sheila also makes an incredible loaf of banana bread. :)

We had the usual turkey-stuffing-potatoes-gravy-corn-cranberries-green been casserole-pies-pink salad-dinner rolls-wine-(more?) meal that we usually have, but for some reason it was extra tasty this year. And, as it's the tradition in our family, we each said one thing we're thankful for.

I like funny. My niece is funny. She's in college now, and was thankful for the police officer who reminded her of little things like "speed limits", or something to that affect.

On my turn, I couldn't help but think of a high school girl from Granite Falls that had died in a single vehicle car accident the day before Thanksgiving the previous year. I didn't know her, but in looking through David's yearbook the day of the accident, I had seen that she was in just about every sport and extra-curricular activity she could have been in. Plus, the paper said she was very active in her church and she was outstanding academically. She was obviously someone who would be missed by her family, her friends, and her school.

The same could all be said for my niece. So this year again what I was most thankful for is that she, along with her brothers and my own children, were all at the table.

So, fast forward to the next morning. We (David, Todd, and myself) awake at 3am or so to "Mmmm Whatcha Say" by Jason Derulo which is what Moriah (niece) has programmed into her phone which she's set up for us to use as our alarm clock. (A fine choice, I might add! And so was the second "get-yer-ass-up-ya-got-shopping-to-do" alarm song!)

And it just so happened that Todd's 13th B-day was also on Black Friday. He wanted a RipStick, which is what his brother had got...because I have no self restraint whatsoever and just give stuff to them whenever I buy it instead of saving it for special occasions and therefore had nothing waiting to be wrapped.

So, as we're driving down the road back toward MN, I tell him to remind me to get the RipStick. (It's kind of like a skateboard but only has two wheels and your feet rest on two platforms that move independently but are connected. Another reason to be thankful if they haven't killed themselves off by next Thanksgiving.)

Anyway, after I say this to Todd, David says, "Happy Birthday, Todd!"

Shit. I remembered the gift but overlooked the reason. I also wish him a happy birthday.

Anyway, we take the longer way home than either of the parents as there are fewer roads to miss when I'm not paying attention to the signs... and along this road is Vermilion, SD. I hadn't planned to do any shopping until we got to Sioux Falls, but then my eyes behold the glorious vision of a well lit Wal-Mart parking lot.

Sweet! I forgot they had one!

We wander in and leave with a couple video games, a stack of cheap movies, something else, and a pack of gum.

Before the day is done I accumulate 39 new movies, two video games, a Rip-Stick, a new coat for Todd, 2 new PS3 controllers (so we can do 4-player on one of the new video games), some other stuff I can't think of right off hand but figured it was worth having at the time, and a pack of gum.

And of course, I gave it to them already so I have nothing saved for Christmas presents.
(This is also part of the reason I haven't been on here all week. I've been watching movies.)

So, rewind a bit to later on on Black Friday. The last stop we make in Sioux Falls is the annual Taco Bell run. (I see no good reason why there isn't a Taco Bell closer than a two hour drive from where we live.) Then we continue homeward.

As we're passing through Pipestone, MN I tell the kids that it's supposed to snow after this weekend and that we need to plant the few remaining bulbs that haven't gone in the ground yet.
There was some snarling and protesting and gnashing of teeth in response to this news. I'm not really sure why. So, after we planted the 2,380 bulbs... (Slight exaggeration, but there was a helluva lot more than the "few" I was thinking we had left to plant.)

The next day I'm sitting on the couch and watching a movie. Two of their friends are over and all are outside. I hear something hit the side of the house. Loudly.

I'm comfortable. I let it slide.

A few minutes later I hear something roll down the roof. They can't possibly think I'm not hearing this. I decide it's time to check on them.

They're standing next to the trampoline. It's 4 years old, has blown behind the house once, has a small hole in the jumping surface, and had already lost a spring. I'd already told them that it's no longer safe and has seen it's last summer. And now that the stitching on 3 more springs has given way and the springs are literally bouncing off the house, they finally agree with me!

Behold the great minds of 4 teenagers at work!

Yet another potential catastrophe averted. :)

So, once again, to our Guardian Angels and the Higher Powers that watch over us...

"Thank You!"

Dorks and Geeks

I picked up a copy of "Webster's New World Dictionary" and a copy of "Webster's New World Thesaurus" yesterday morning. (I call them "Webster's Dic" and "Webster's dinosaur")

So, please join me as I grab Webster's Dic and let's take a look. *snicker*

Define:
fag- to make or become very tired by hard work
fagot or faggot - a bundle of sticks

I realize that these two words are not part of the subject, but I have two teenagers that seem to enjoy referring to each other as "a bundle of sticks".

Define:
Nimrod - a mighty hunter (Don't call Allen that one, Sheila!)

But, enough about that for now. My mind is wandering - and as long as it stays off the train tracks and away from fast flowing rivers, I'm just going to let it do it's thing.

"I just saved $700 by switching my auto insurance to Gei..."
Wait...no. My bad. That was the wandering mind of somebody else.

So. About that Cadillac speaker I need to get fixed.
I checked with Best Buy in Willmar, and they recommended that I get the factory speaker. That surprised me, but I was fine with that.
I swung by a salvage yard down in Marshall yesterday in hopes they had a wrecked Cadillac so I could replace my rattling subwoofer. No luck.
So then I went to a car dealership, and the parts guy tells me that this particular speaker costs $464.03. He tells me it's a Bose system. (I question how it could be since it says ACDelco on the speaker. Whatever.) So then I ask him how much it would cost me to have them put it in right away. He tells me it would probably be a 1 to 2 hour process at $70 an hour.

My. @$$! The Best Buy guy said if I picked a speaker up, he'd put it in for $15!

So, today I like Best Buy. And I'm calling other salvage yards in hopes they've got a wrecked car for me to pirate parts off of.

But how does this all tie in with the subject, you might ask?

The Geek Squad! Best Buy has their fleet of VW Bugs and all their technology savvy employees who make up this crack team of folks who can either fix your technology problems, or install some new stuff for you. (It's quite fantastic, provided you have the money.)

It's funny how the meanings of words change over time.
Webster's New World Dic defines 'geek' as: [slang] a person considered to be different from others in a negative way, as in being socially awkward.

But what about the old meaning of 'geek'? As memory serves, the old meaning of 'geek' is:
someone who bites the heads off of live chickens and performs other unusual acts at a circus.
(I don't have Webster's "Old School" Dic *snicker* in front of me, so I might not be exactly right on the definition.)

So now, I'm thinking about how the interview would go for someone who's applying for a job at Best Buy to be on The Geek Squad using both meanings.
"Well, young man...It looks like you are truly a technology savvy individual. You're obviously socially awkward, so you should fit right in... provided, that is, on this one last thing. How sharp are your teeth?"

But, it could be worse... They could have been called "The Dork Squad", and while neither "Webster's Dic" or "The dinosaur" has an entry for 'dork', one of the definitions found online is... a whale's penis. Even I can't think of how THAT would have made for a good interview!

Oh, and one last thing...Webster's Dic has a definition for 'Webster'. (Serious!)
Webster Noah: 1758-1843; U.S. lexicographer.

Hmmm...all right. I'll bite.
lexicography: the act, art, or work of writing a dictionary.

I say Webster made that shit up. Dork.

:)

Annoying

My Lincoln is in storage. It's a nice day...and my Lincoln is in storage, 35 miles away, and uninsured.
And that's just the start!

One of the guys I work with was browsing through the Hy-Vee Trader (Hy-Vee is a grocery store chain in my region. The "Trader" is a "classifieds" type deal.) and he told me there was a 1950's Lincoln Capri in there that I should buy. Neither one of us knew what a Lincoln Capri looked like - but thanks to eBay, we now know that they are rather unattractive vehicles that don't appear to have anything applied to prevent rust.

Anyway...a couple days later I'm sitting in the break room at the 2nd job and there's another copy of the Hy-Vee trader on the table. I flip through it - and what do I find? 5 spots below the Capri, there's a "For Sale" ad for a 1978 Lincoln Continental...everything works...$500!"

Dammit! Mine's a 1979 and I need some parts!

I'm thinking, "I BOUGHT THE CAR FROM YOU, YOU REJECT!!! WHY WOULD YOU NOT TELL ME THERE'S ONE FOR SALE FOR ONLY $500!!!"

And (of course) the car has been sold when I call about it. Ugh. Some people.

Oh well. Let's talk GM.

Why is that cars made by the same company are set up totally different on the dash? On my Buick I need to pull the lever toward me to turn the brights on. On the Cadillac it's just the opposite. If I try to turn the radio station on the Cadillac by hitting the same spot where it's located in the Buick - I'm greeted by some weirdness from the AC unit.

But best of all (and you'll like this one) is the interior lighting. Not the dome light...the lights by the front window.

Here's the scenario...

I'm driving down the road and chowing down on a pack of "fun sized" candy bars. There's 8 of these candy bars in the pack. I only counted 7 but the pack seems to be empty. (Oh, knock it off... you've done it, too!) So where is the missing 8th candy bar?

Well, when I'm in the Buick (1997. The year is important to the story.) I just hit the button that turns the light on and I find and devour the would-be escape artist candy bar. However, if I'm driving the Cadillac and I hit the same spot...the voice of the OnStar lady starts talking to me!

It can be a little unnerving to be driving down the road... all by yourself...in the middle of the dark, dark night... and then have somebody start talking to you!

I mean, seriously! It could actually CAUSE the accident!

At least she doesn't ask for the candy bar. :)

I don't have OnStar activated as of now, which is probably good because I lose a lot of candy bars and they'd probably get tired of answering my pseudo-distress calls.

But can you imagine how the call would go?

OnStar: "OnStar Emergency. Can we help you?"
Me: "Oops. It's just me. Sorry. Lost the 8th candy bar again. So, how have you been? Done anything fun since Tuesday? Hey! There's a smiley face in the frost on that sign up ahead!" :)

Signs

It's that time of the year here in MN where all of the road signs accumulate a heavy dose of frost overnight. For those of you who live is Southern states, you probably haven't experienced the annoyance of driving down the road at night and not being able to read the signs.

Well, I tend to not pay attention to signs anyway and have been known to miss a turn now and then...at least until I've made the trip a couple times. But since I drive the 30 or so miles between jobs twice a night and have done so for 3 years now, (I really need to replace the subwoofer in the Cadillac. And the tires. Then it'll be good for winter driving.) I have no need to follow the signs as the cars know the way well enough to let me take short naps while driving past small towns and over small animals. (This was an attempt at humor and I don't do either of these. Intentionally.) :)

So as I was driving down the road and noticing that the reflectiveness of all of the signs was seriously diminished by the frost build-up, it came to me that I should go buy some non-stick cooking spray and stop and draw smiley faces, peace signs, and little flowers, and write "I *heart* Chad" on various signs that I pass on the way home in the morning.

Who knows? Maybe the frost won't stick! And it can't be considered destruction of property as it's clear!

Welcome to Highway 23 from Marshall to Granite Falls, my personal morning ego boost! :)

The Hunter

Yesterday, as I was cleaning any residual blood and hair off of the venison that was to be taken in for processing, I was thinking I should grab the "junk trumpet" and sound it as David returned home from school, and then further embarrass him by proudly proclaiming that "The victorious hunter has returned home!" (or something like that) for anyone within hearing distance to hear.


Thankfully, I didn't go out of my way to make these preparations as the brat cut across the neighbors lawn again so I didn't see him coming. I've told him about 43 times now to stop doing that. How can I kick the neighbors' dog for being on my lawn when my kids are on theirs? :)


So anyway, Todd was highly impressed with David's mad hunting skills - and David took the camera to school to show his friends the pictures that had been taken. But there's more to this hunting story that I wanted to share...

On Sunday, David shot the deer at about 9:15am. I was not called until shortly after noon. I found out the reason for this was because the deer was on the opposite side of a river, and Steve had to take the 4wheeler home (MN has restrictions on what hours a 4 wheeler can be used for hunting purposes) to get the duck boat so as to cross the river and retrieve the deer. So for 3 hours the kid didn't get to see his "kill".


Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!


I can't begin to express my appreciation for how much Art and Steve did to make this a memorable experience for David. When Steve brought the deer in for registration, he drove his truck to several of David's friends' places so they could "ooooohhhhh" and "aahhhhhh" over said dead thing. (I didn't know they'd be doing this, so I went out to Steve's a little earlier than necessary.)

So, as I'm sitting in Steve's parent's yard (deer was skinned there) just outside the small town of Hanley Falls, I was able to enjoy being stared at by the occupants of nearly every vehicle that passed as I was in a car they didn't recognize.

I just love that.

After a bit of waiting, Steve drives in with his truck.
David gets out of the passenger seat.
David is wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of sandals. It's the middle of November in MN. The only state further North is Alaska, and I was cold with my work boots, jeans, t-shirt, flannel, hoodie, and hat on. And he didn't even bring anything warmer with him! (Of course, being as he at the All-Knowing-Teenager age, he argued with me about the temperature... so I waited until he was visibly shivering before I gave him the winter coat I had in the car.)

I found out that Steve had David take care of at least half of the gutting process (Steve tells me there was some "eeeewwwww"ing), and David was there during the entire skinning and deboning process. And while they were deboning it, Art told David the story about how Native Americans used to eat the heart out of their kills. Raw. But, as the heart was left out in the woods with the rest of the innards, Art sliced off some raw steak and both he and David had a chunk. (David said that Art had cut off 4 slices and that all 4 of them had a piece as it was tradition for them to do so when a new hunter made his first kill. Steve told me that neither he or his dad did so, and both thought it was "just disgusting" but were able to hide it from David!)

They made it a full "hunting camp" experience!


And when I arrived to work yesterday, Steve had pictures here and had already shown several people the pictures of David with his deer. (He gave them to me. I gave them to David.)
Plus, David had the camera with him - so maybe sometime I'll get some pictures on here to go along with the story. (Sheila would love to show me how to do so. Right, sis?)


I wish I could have Steve tell the story. He's a natural jokester. Among a list of other things, he told David that the deer David shot was the huge one he'd been trying to get ever since the bowhunting season had started. David, of course, believed him - as I'd told him all about this (actual) monster deer that Steve has caught on his camera, and that if it should happen to come along to let Steve take it!


Of course, Steve told him he was just kidding about that. But he never told him that he was joking when he said that MN now requires kids to take their driving tests with a manual transmission car. :)

Happy 15th Birthday, David! The "driving age" milestone is coming up soon!

Sheila, deer...

Sorry I've been absent. I got a little caught up in "encouraging" my sister to blog again, and my kids have had a lot going on this week, so I've neglected my own blog.

My bad.

Anyway, there's been several times where I stopped in on someones blog where the writer has said something about not updating because they didn't have anything worth blogging about and didn't want to bore us, the reader.

I suspect they also experience times of boredom, and are probably very normal people.

I don't carry that burden. So, for my sister, Sheila - I liked your "Poem of Encouragement" from my last comment section, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to stick some more needles in that Voodoo doll I made of you. :)

Anyway, I'd said in Sheila's comments that I'd be blogging about "dorks" and "geeks", but I'm putting that on hold for a bit so as to get the fam caught up on what my chillun been up to.

So...
The Title Subject "Thing of Amusement" that you might be amused by but annoyed the hell out of me is... (drum roll)...

David stood on his bed this week. And put his head through the light fixture.

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Now that the glass has been cleaned up and all the bedding has been rewashed and the bed is made again, even I find this funny. I mean, really! He's not that much shorter than me anymore, and he'll be 15 on Tuesday...which is a bit old to be standing on the bed unless there's a lightbulb to be changed!

Todd's been in the YME School's version of "Beauty and the Beast" which performed about 5 times this week. I took Friday off from work so I could check that out (and go buy hunting stuff for David) and I went again on Saturday. I've seen a couple of the other plays the school has put on, and they are incredible!

The music teachers really bring out the talent in their students here.
When I had a concert, we stood on those mini-bleacher things and sang a bit. Here, they sing and play simple instruments and throw in a little dancing and acting and mix in some comedy and it's just all around fun! Small schools rock!!!

(That being said, I still have to admit that Todd is getting a less than desirable grade for band this quarter as he doesn't go to his lessons or turn in his practice time. Brat.)

And I mentioned briefly that David was going hunting. I am extremely fortunate in that many of the guys at UPS are very much into hunting, and that I get along smashingly well with them.

Here's how it played out. Upon picking up the kids from their mom's last weekend, David said that he'd gone hunting up there. (With Step Uncle Ray.) He said that his mom was wondering if I would buy him a license so he could actually hunt this weekend.

Um, hello? I want to go back to Florida and hit the theme parks again. Think she'd buy their tickets? And besides, the hunting license is only $14!. (Plus, Uncle Ray has already shot a couple of deer this year and put them on licenses purchased under the names of people who didn't go hunting. I don't think this has become legal yet, so I really don't care to have my kids "taught how to hunt" from this individual. I told David as much, saying I'd be OK with it as long as it's not something where he showed up to go hunting and his tag would get stuck on something dead so his hunting was already done.)

I mentioned this to the guys at UPS, and immediately I had an offer from my friend Steve (previous owner of my old red warp speed riding lawnmower) to take the young lad hunting with him... and an offer from my friend Art (UPS mechanic and MN Archery - Champ Class for several years running) to set the lad up with boots and orange hunting wear!

So...I presented this option to David, and he stayed here. Steve dropped off slugs so David could fire off a couple shots to get used to shooting the gun, Art changed the gun over from shotgun to slug, I bought the license and gloves and hat, Art and Steve provided the rest of the clothing, Steve had David stay with his family for the last 2 nights so they could get out in the woods by 5am, and today I got the call from David saying he'd got an 8 pointer!

Steve and Art tell me the gun I'd bought for David upon receiving his "gun certification" training thing is a really good gun and has a rifled slug barrel. I didn't actually think the gun would ever be used for slugs, so this was good news. Of course, the slugs cost 3 times as much, but David apparently nailed it on the second shot. Steve was every bit as excited to tell me about it as David was, only they were in different stands so Steve's side of it was more from what he heard.

And the kindness from my coworkers is still coming in, as Steve was the one who got stuck gutting the thing and dragging it through the river and out of the woods, and Art is coming down from his town...over 1/2 hour away...to debone it (As soon as the football game is done. Go Vikings!) which will save me another $70!

I try to go out of my way to help my friends, but right now I'm really in debt!
So, gotta go. Gotta run some coolers to Steve's place as they should be back from getting the deer registered by now. Then I'll have to be making some cookies to share with a couple of UPSers tomorrow night! :)

Oh, sorry if you thought I'd mispelled the title. You might have thought it was supposed to be "Sheila, dear..."

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Unhappy me.

I don't really remember how we got on the subject, but while some friends and I were sitting around the fire on Halloween night, one of the females mentioned she had lost quite a bit of weight shortly before moving to MN. One of the other females asked what she had done to lose the weight, and from there I only tuned in sporadically so I'm in no position to pass on her weight loss secrets.

Sorry about that.

But at the end of their conversation, something was said that caught my attention and stuck with me. I recognized it to be a good "twisted logic" subject that I could share with you. Let me know if you agree with them or not.

The statement was worded something like this.
"If you're happy, you gain weight. You lose weight when you're not."

They (And by "they" I mean the females, for the other males shared the same blank-faced, glazed-over-eyes expression that I'm sure I was wearing) all seemed to agree with this statement.

Damn.

I've been losing weight for the last 3 or so years. And I've mistakenly been pleased with this, for I'd given credit for this loss of weight to the fact that I'd moved to a town that doesn't have a McDonald's. And here it turns out I'm unhappy!

And while I was sitting at a McDonald's one day, there was an unusually robust boy sitting at the adjacent table stuffing his mouth with fries and burgers while the unusually thin person who I'm guessing was his mom ate nothing, read the paper, and completely ignored him. I seriously think the kid may have weighed close to what I do and was probably about 10 years old.

It's things like this that cause my confusion. In the above scenario, I would have guessed the child to be quite unhappy and to be trying to fill the void, created by the lack of attention and affection from his mother, with food. I'll admit that I also mentally labelled her as a horse-shit mom who seemed to be neglecting her own child as if he was the burdensome byproduct and unwanted reminder of a bad relationship. Either way, I'm sure the kid has had a tough time of it since then and I'm hard pressed to believe that the unhappy (thin) kids have treated him nicely.

I'm a fast eater. I need to work on that. But I've been fortunate in that I can eat buffets whenever I please and it doesn't stay with me. (Get me on fast food for a good length of time and it's a different story.) So here again I'm back to my old thinking that it's not my current state of happiness that controls my weight so much as what I'm eating.

But then I come to work this week and a few of the daytime guys are sitting in the office and finishing off their Dairy Queen. On one of the cups, I see a picture of a female holding what we're supposed to believe is a Blizzard. She's got that cartoonish word bubble over her head, and in it she's saying something like, "When I'm unhappy I have a Blizzard. When I'm happy, I have two!"

So now I'm thinking that Dairy Queen has some really good marketing strategists that have most likely enlisted the help of those people who specialize in what goes on in our heads to promote the Blizzard product. Or possibly the females at my Halloween gathering eat at Dairy Queen too often and have been brainwashed by cup propaganda. But still, the fact that this same topic presented itself twice in the last week and by such completely different sources, and is the opposite of my own thinking, has caused me to dwell on the subject during my drive time.

All I know is the girl on the DQ cup appeared quite thin, and therefore must be seriously unhappy most of the time. I can eat 2 foot-long Subway sandwiches in a sitting (but choose not to unless there's a BOGOfree going on) and even I wouldn't tackle 2 Blizzards!

And Jared, the Subway fat-guy-turned-skinny, is now unhappy...if we look at this from my Halloween guests' point of view. I can understand his unhappiness. Hold the mayo, my @$$!

Still, I'd rather not think of any loss of weight as something I should be unhappy about, for apparently I'm already plenty unhappy as it is since I'm losing weight. I usually look forward to hopping on the scale for the DOT physicals. (Both jobs have me do this even though I actually move a truck in once about every other never.) It amuses me that somehow my diet is usually horrible the week prior to the physical and yet the number that comes back is lower than when I was last in.

So, what gives? Is it just a females weight that's controlled by their degree of happiness? But then, how does this apply to fashion? If thin people are unhappy, and larger people are happy, why is it that happy people are made to feel miserable because of their happiness as measured by weight? And, as a single guy, how does one view the weight/happiness ratio in seeking out someone that they can stand being in a car with for a few hours at a time while on drives to SoDak or the MN Renaissance Festival or The Mall of America or Nowhere in Particular, Iowa or to his non-blog updating sister's house in Nebraska?

Please share your thoughts. :)

Can I get a price check?

Ok. Here's the thing about Wal-Mart.

They have this handy "Open 24-7" thing at the larger centers

I don't know if there are any left that don't fall into the "larger center" category, but I have 4 of the always open kind within a 45 minute drive.

And somehow, whenever I go, I end up leaving with a few extra things I didn't realize or forgot I needed.

So, I made my Halloween candy run... to Marshall. They told me that the person who marks down the candy is on vacation and someone is coming in at 5:00am to take care of it. But I was on a chocolate buying mission and was not about to be thwarted so easily, so I just bought some eggs, laundry detergent, and something else that I can't think of right now but must have remembered I needed when I saw it.

And then I went to the Wal-Mart in Montevideo. (I'm not a big fan of the Wal-Mart in Montevideo. They don't leave the greenhouse area unlocked on Sunday and overnight in the summer. But like I said, there was candy that needed purchasing.)

So now I'm at the Montevideo Wal-Mart and I have a couple bags of candy - but I don't know if it's half price yet. I wander all the way across the store trying to find one of those damn price scanning things, but fail to do so. I can't help but wonder if any of the 5,560 kids that have been found and returned by Wal-Mart's "Missing People" thing were located by shoppers who were wandering around the store trying to find a price scanner.

I finally find one of the overnight people who leads me to a price scanner and teaches me an important lesson that I would like to pass on to you, my devoted following, here.

If you are in Wal-Mart and need to check a price, look for the support posts that have a blue line on them. If there is a blue line on the post, there is also a scanning thingy on it.
Bonus feelings of happiness are yours if the thing works.

If the post has a red line on it, there is a fire extinguisher on the post. Someone with less patience than you and I might try burning the place down after wandering all the way across the store without finding an employee or a scanning thingy. You can put out the fire, keep the consumer costs low, save the day, and educate the disgruntled shopper on how to significantly improve their shopping experience!

Note: This info is valid for all Wal-Marts. I've double checked at the ones I go to so as to be sure I'm giving you accurate information. Some posts have both a scanner and a fire extinguisher and apparently found favor with the guys distributing the red and blue lines. And some posts have nothing on them. Feel free to feel sorry for these posts, and maybe give them a hug.

So, back to the candy business. Yes, the scanning thing verified that at least some of it was half off. Good enough. Bought a bunch and went home.

But then, the next day, I find the empty cat food bag under Todd's bed. I don't know exactly why he folded it up so nicely and put it under his bed, especially since the bedding itself was on the floor in David's room, but I made the connection that the cat must need food.

So I made a list because it's back to Wal-Mart time again. (If the Mom and Pop Shops were open between midnight and 4am, I'd shop there, too.)

I usually prefer to not shop with a list because I've heard somewhere that when you see a male in a store with a list it's because his wife sent him there with it. I don't want a potential girlfriend to dismiss me because she thinks I'm already taken, so I cleverly stick the post-it containing the list inside my checkbook cover. (Yes, I realize that she might think I'm glancing at my checkbook account to see if I can afford the two packages of hamburger buns I've placed in my cart, which doesn't really give one the impression that I won't get dismissed even quicker, but it's my story, so let me tell it how I see fit.)

So on my list I have cat food, milk, socks, roast seasoning, and gravy. (I made the kids beef commercials last weekend. They were highly impressed and have asked me to repeat the performance. I told them the story about how the first one I ever had I was with their grandpa and we were at the Nowacki Gas Station in wherever and so on.) Anyway, should be about 40 bucks.

* Doodles and Sindee - Nowacki is our last name, in case you're wondering what the significance is.
** Creepy Internet Stalkers of Boys - You can now find us. I still don't value your life. Keep that in mind.

Back to the story. :)

The Schwan's guy didn't have any corn left on his truck on his last visit so I checked out the frozen veggies. Mom had told me I should try the microwavable "steam fresh" veggies, so I picked up a couple of bags. But right next to the corn they had steam fresh brussel sprouts, and I have always found brussel sprouts to taste kind of disgusting and thought they looked like the evil alien pod things on "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". So I bought a bag of those, too. Cuz really, who doesn't enjoy pretending they're snacking on evil fetal embryonic alien lifeforms?

And then I see the pre-flame-broiled burgers on an end cap. Marked down to $1 from $6-something? I better get 8 in case they're good! And what's this? Bacon wrapped steaks that were originally $11-something and are on sale for $4? HolyTolyDoly! I must buy 12!!!

And some oil for the deep fryer, because it's getting low, and maybe 4 boxes of cereal because we might be low on that. (Oops...still have 11 boxes at home. My bad.) And so on.

So anyway, I leave with considerably more than what I had on the list.
I had no idea how much stuff I needed!

And today is beautiful! I started a fire in the the old fire pit when I got home from work this morning, added more wood when I got up this afternoon, and have it all ready to whip up some of those steaks when the kids get home from school. I hope the weather is as nice where you are!

Latin translations by Chad

"Cogito, ergo sum"
I think, therefore I am.

"Cogito, eggo sum"
I think, therefore I am a waffle.
(I think a waffle I am?)

"Cogito, eggo some"
I think I'll eat some waffles. With sausage and bacon and eggs and hashbrowns and syrup.
Oh! Have the cooks throw some ham and pancakes on there, too. Let's go scrambled with the eggs this time. Tell 'em not to be stingy with the meat and I'll give you a little exta for your tip. Sorry about that name of yours...

Inventory: Candy

Halloween approaches. I'm staying home this year.
Todd plans to join some friends for one last round of trick-or-treating and David already has friends lined up to come over. (Todd's group is welcome to come over before, and/or after they're finished.) I've got at least 3 boxes of Schwan's cookie dough in the freezer and have 8 punches left on the Casey's school-basketball-fundraiser-punch-card. (Buy a large pizza, get a medium free.) And I have candy to give out since I can't turn the lights off and pretend I'm not home with a house full of kids!

Things are set.

The first few candy collectors will get a bag of Nerds Coated Jelly Beans. (I picked up a bunch of these somewhere along the way and have found that - once opened - they will ALWAYS manage to dump out on the car seat. Not a big deal for the last month-and-a-half, but if the sun would ever come out they'd melt if not found in time.)

After that the candy I'm giving out is what's left from the Midnight-o-Five-day-after-Halloween-Walmart half-price-candy-sale-run I made last Halloween. I'm not expecting the little monsters that show up to be too discerning, but I have a nice mixture put together for eye appeal.

It's OK that it's a year old. Sugar is about the only food that will last nearly forever if stored properly - and Pixie Sticks are just colored, flavored sugar. The Twizzlers and Jolly Ranchers don't stick to the plastic and taste right. Trust me. I sampled plenty. It's all still good. :)

Butlemmetelluwut... Somewhere between Midnight-o-Five and Uno AM I'll be back at Wally for a refill shopping cart full of bags of any candy bars they have left, 'cuz I ran out of Midnight-o-Five day-after-Easter Cadbury and Snickers Eggs a couple weeks ago and I've got a chocolate craving like you wouldn't believe!

Happy Halloween!!!

Chinese Zodiac: A Guide on Relationships?

A few months ago, I mentioned I'd met someone I was interested in. The interest faded, but while we were seeing each other she asked me if I had any single friends I could set up with one of her single friends.

And at this point I realized that I don't. I'm the last one!
Duke met a girl from CA while playing "World of Warcraft" who has moved to MN and lives with him. Mike got married and had a kid so we won't see much of him for a few years. Keith met and married someone he found on Match.com or one of those type deals. Steve, Dustin, Josh, Dave...all new dads. And so on.

Me? I've pretty much just been single for the last 5 or so years.
Many of my co-workers are around 10 years younger than I am, and all of them at that age are now married. I offer no advice to them when they complain about how often their wives call them at work, or tell stories like "My wife spent $350 on curtains and forgot to tell me she put it on the credit card so when I used it..." because I know they're lucky to have that person in their life to give them a little chaos.

They've told me that I'm too picky. But I'm not. It's more that I just never ask anyone out.
When I do get around to dating, I hope it's someone that's single, straight, reasonably intelligent, attractive to me, attracted to me, with their dominant mood being "happy". I figure if that person finds those qualities in me and is accepting of those qualities, we should do just fine!


I did go on a blind date - once - in the last few years.
She is part Native American, has 8 kids, and wants 2 more.
Anyone care to join me in singing a round of "One little, two little, three little ind...?"
Oops, there goes the tact again. :)

I love my kids, but I only have 2. If I were a female and had 8 kids I'd ask the doctor to tie my tubes.

Around my neck.


Having realized that I now no longer have people readily available to call on any given Saturday to go do stuff with, I find I'm fine with that. I'm happy for them and I hope their relationships are strong and last through whatever trials that are placed before them.

But, maybe one day someone will happen to catch my eye, and I'll say something witty and clever, and I'll find myself dating.

So...

Went to supper with mom at a Chinese restaurant in her town. I go there maybe three times a year but the guy that owns the place always remembers what I get.
(Today, I drove right past the small engine place I needed to stop at. I drove over 30 miles to get there and completely blanked it out that I was supposed to turn when I got to it and had to circle back. And he can remember customers and their eating preferences. It's not fair!)

Anyway, the paper placemats at this restaurant were those that have the Chinese Zodiac on them, and it also offers advice on relationships. I always browse thru the info to see what years the girls I'm supposed to date were born.

According to the placemat, "The Chinese Zodiac consists of a 12 year cycle. Each year of which is named after a different animal that imparts distict characteristics to its year." It goes on to say that the year we were born is the primary factor in determining our personality traits, physical and mental attributes, and the degree of success and happiness we'll have in our lifetimes.

So here's what I found out.

I'm an Ox. If you were born in 1973 you are also an Ox. There are worse names assigned to some of the other years, so deal with it.

The Ox is marked as being "Bright, patient, and inspiring to others. You can be happy by yourself, yet make an outstanding parent."

Fantastic!

But then it goes on to say that the Sheep will bring trouble and to marry a Snake or a Cock.

Hello! Creepy sexual overtones there!!!

I call the kids' mom "Satan". The biblical Satan was a snake at one point. But they don't mean it literally to marry someone that's a snake so I guess I botched that one. And so I read on.

The Snake (born 1977, 1985, etc.) is described as follows...
"Wise and intense with a tendency towards physical beauty. (sweet!) Vain and high tempered.(crap.) The boar is the snakes enemy and the Cock and Ox are your best signs."

So then I checked out the Cock. *snicker*

The Cock (born 1969, 1981) is defined as "A pioneer in spirit, you are devoted to work and quest after knowledge. (Good, she'll be able to carry an intelligent conversation.) You are selfish and eccentric. (again...crap.) Rabbits are trouble. Snakes and oxen are fine.

So then I checked out to see what the problem was with Rabbits and Boars. (Both had better descriptions as far as my personal preference goes.)

The Rabbit (born 1963, 1975, 1987) is the "Luckiest of all signs, you are also talented and articulate. Affectionate, yet shy. You seek peace throughout your life...Your opposite is the Cock."

Opposite? Ouch. So now the Cock is the unluckiest of all the signs and is also a no-talent, harsh-spoken, unloving, chaos seeking soul that isn't afraid to get in peoples faces because she most likely feels superior to them intellectually and expects them to place her on a pedestal.

I see why China still has arranged marriages. If this was the advice they followed in seeking their own soulmates, they probably wouldn't have the population situation they're faced with!

The Boar, then, is described...

Actually, let's pause here while I adjust to the strong scent of alcohol coming from the lady that just sat at the computer station next to me here at the Marshall Library.
Ish. It's not even noon yet. And she's old!
Goodgawdahmighty! I think she bathes in booze! No H1N1 germs will last on this one!
I'm ghandi.

(we pause here for station identification)

Ok. over 12 hours later but I'm back on and ready now.

The Boar (born 1971, 1983) is described as "Noble and chivalrous. Your friends will be lifelong, yet you are prone to marital strife. Avoid other Boars."
(Too bad it's Cock instead of Chicken. The Zodiac would have to pair Boar with Chicken. Everyone knows Boar and Chicken go together like...bacon and eggs.)

Well, thankfully that didn't add anything else to make the Snakes less appealing! (Actually, unless I'm an oddball Ox, the Boar description fits us as well!)

And it's a good thing an Ox can be happy by his/herself with glowing reports like these for the type of people we're supposed to pair with!

Hopefully the horoscope has good things in store for "Aquarius". I'm a little tired of the mismatched sheets and blankets that have served as my window coverings for the last few years. Nobody here to "help pick out curtains"...

So I bought a new belt for the riding lawnmower. And then bought a new pushmower.
Cub Cadet 6.75 OHV RWD 3in1 with bagger attachments. Bring on the daytime!!!

Cloud Cover

The part of me that uses solar power is running low on charge.

Yay, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
I will see no shadows, for the damn clouds are blocking the sunlight.

When I went to bed today, I told the kids to wake me up if the sun came out.

Maybe tomorrow. Otherwise I hope the other orphans pull Annie's hair.

Marshmallow Root and Gelatin

When Val came from California, she brought me herbal supplements to help the stomach situation. They're "Dr. Schulze's Original Clinical Formulae (spelled like that) Since 1979."

These happen to be packets of "Formula #2".

I got to thinking that maybe "Formula #1" killed too many people, so I read the ingredients.

They include things like Activated Willow Charcoal (so you can have gas or use charcoal), Pharmaceutical Grade Bentonite Clay (so you can make a mold of your intestines?), Slippery Elm bark (laxative?), and Cayenne pepper blend (because nothing settles a stomach like peppers).

There were a few other ingredients, like flax seed and apple pectin, but the one that really threw me off was Marshmallow root.

I didn't think marshmallows were from plants. I thought they were your usual combination of sugar and corn syrup (from plants, yes...but still)

So I checked the ingredients of marshmallows and it turns out I was right. And one of the other ingredients is gelatin.

"So what is this Marshmallow root", I asked myself.

Googled it. Asked Jeeves. Wikipedia.

Althaea is a genus of 6-12 species of perennial herbs, including the marshmallow plant whence the fluffy sweet confection got its name...found on the banks of rivers and salt marshes (marsh...mallow?). The genus formerly included a number of additional species now treated in the genus Alcea (Hollyhocks).

One of the chemical constituents of the marshmallow plant is phenolic acids.
(Yes, please add acid to the Cayenne pepper blend. Great for acid reflux.)

According to the site on Wikipedia, the uses of the marshmallow plant vary - from treating mouth and throat ulcers by gargling, to using the flowers and leaves used in salads or for cosmetic treatment of the skin, to being used in the Middle East for cleaning Persian Carpets.

The marshmallow as we know it is named for a confection dating back to Egyptian antiquity.
It was a honey-sweetened, eggwhite meringue often flavored with rose water.
However, the contemporary commercially available marshmallows no longer contain any actual marshmallow. (Which is a pity, because there's a Hemp Leaved Marshmallow plant as well as a Hairy Marshmallow. They would have made for some interesting s'mores.)

Like I said earlier, they do contain gelatin. The first two ingredients were the sugar and corn syrup, so they do have plant properties, but gelatin is derived mainly from pork, cattle, and horses. "Contrary to popular belief, horns and hooves are not used." So if you feel like snacking on a horse hoof you'll have to find something other than gummy worms, jello, or marshmallows.

Besides the food uses, Wikipedia lists gelatin's uses as the glossy stuff on playing cards, the glue that's used as a binder on match heads and sandpaper, the agent that makes soft drinks containing beta-carotene turn yellow, the outside capsule of prescription pills and paintballs, and so on. Professional lighting equipment uses color gels to change the beam color, and virtually all photographic films and photographic papers use gelatin. Gelatin, like the marshmallow plant, has cosmetic uses.

Wow. All that and you can "watch it wiggle, see it jiggle".

But I think the most useful thing I learned in researching gelatin and marshmallow root was from a side article on marshmallow root, which said something about it being useful in exorcisms after sprinkling powdered marshmallow root over tarot cards. I don't know if tarot cards have a glossy gelatin coating or not, and I don't have any anyway. But if I ever come home and find my kids scurrying across the ceiling, I'll be better prepared!

Why is it that a fly swatted on a desk top is often just stunned and will later fly away, but a fly swatted on needed papers will die instantly and leave at least a 3 inch splatter?

Hello, Snow!

Goodbye to the few annuals I have. The Mandevilla's went last night and the Petunias and Dusty Millers will undoubtedly be done by tomorrow morning.

On the bright side, I have a trunk full of perennials (a buck or two each on clearance) that I'm going to attempt to "winter over" under a pile of mulch.


Got the chipper/shredder, smaller riding lawnmower, and tiller put away before the snow fell. Only need to bring in the cushions and do a couple other odd things and I'm ready for the Winter projects.

And soon I could actually have a two day weekend. I've been offered the morning supervisor position, and if I take it I'll have Friday night off as well as my normal Saturday. I hate to leave my evening crew as they've been great, but it'll give me the evenings off so I can attend the kid's events... and feed them better. (They ate the whole gallon of Rocky Road and are well into the Cookies and Cream. I just got those this week! 2 gallons of milk since Monday? Did you guys drink it or dump it down the drain?! ALL OF THE BREAD THAT WAS IN THE FREEZER!!! And so on. They eat like I used to. I'm so proud.)

That's how I roll.

A guy I work with just happened to be next to me at the stoplight in his new Hummer H2.

He paid more for this vehicle than I did for my house. He's quite proud of it.

It was maybe like 4 am or so, and he's only a year older than me, so being as we are just boys and the Cadillac needs new tires anyway...


He lost. :)


*Updated - 10/9

So last night, the guy I work with that I like to refer to as "The stupid guy I work with..." was bragging about how fast his vehicle is. It's a 2006 Malibu.

He used the term "Muscle" when referring to it.

Of course, we all found this amusing. But he wouldn't quit. He challenged several of us to a race, including me - and my Buick. I said, "Sure. I'd be happy to bring down my Buick with it's 287,000 miles and it's leaking exhaust system and we'll have us a little race. And if I lose I'll be just crushed."

So then he challenged H2 guys Hummer to a race, but H2 guy had his Ford Focus along yesterday.

Next thing I knew, they were shaking hands on a bet that involved Stupid Guy's Malibu and my Cadillac. I found this a little odd as neither one of them checked with me before making this bet.

Oh well. No surprise to anyone but Stupid Guy... Malibu lost.

But then Stupid Guy didn't pay up on his bet and denied having even made it. I spoke up as I have a serious dislike for dishonesty. So then he tried to pick a fight with me. At work.

This guy also defends child molesters and wife beaters. Idiot.

I just can't believe someone would sacrifice their own honor over $10.

...Mysterious Ways.

So there I was, laying on the gurney/bed thing with my unflattering inpatient robe on and wearing these little insane-asylum looking blue socks on my feet.

The ceiling had two posters of calm, natural settings - with one poster right side up and the other upside down so that no matter what side of the bed my head was on, I would have had one to look at in normal viewing mode.

The calm, easy listening music was playing through the overhead speakers.

The people who prepped me for the "surgical process" had the stuff all hooked up to monitor my heart rate, and the oxygen tube was connected to my nose, and so on...

And then the nurse lady tells me that they don't actually perform the procedure in the room I'm in, and that they'll be wheeling me in to the next one.

And I think to myself, "Good. I like the music that's playing over there better, anyway."

It was Bon Jovi's, "Living On a Prayer".

I wondered about the appropriateness of playing this particular song in a surgery center, but I got the message!

The blood tests came back fine and the camera didn't find any damage to my internal organs. So now I'm drinking my 64oz fountain pop refill to get my caffiene kick on. I guess I'm not going to die just yet so I should probably clean the house. :)

Gimp Guy, to the Rescue!

Good golly! Another fantastic weekend of not doing anything at all to improve the current state of the interior of the house besides eliminating a lot of papers that were stacking up on the table!

Nope... I still haven't played with the new camera yet, but the twin from CA is home on Saturday so maybe she can take some pictures for your viewing pleasure. I'm thinking it should be a lovely display of leaf covered pathway/plants and a fine showing of the ability of the local squirrels to dig holes wherever you don't want holes dug.

But anyway, I accidently stumbled upon an area that worked to make another connecting path.

So I made it.

Well...WE made it. I made the kids help me a little bit. They say they don't enjoy it and I'm sure many negative text messages are sent to their friends about what horrible abuse they have to endure while I'm home, but I know they like it when strangers stop by and comment/compliment on what little of the area can be seen from the road just as much as I do.

Unrelated to this, insurance is due on the Cadillac. No sense insuring 3 cars for just me, so I put the Lincoln in storage and biked the 13 miles or so from mom's outbuilding to where the Buick was parked. I haven't done this more than twice since college, and probably not even since high school, and yet...I'm still here to update my blog!

I am invincible!

Well, maybe not. Last week I was having some unusual feelings in the torso area. I figured it was another new spasm related to the back being funky, but it was kind of a "fun buzz" sensation so I wasn't too worried about it. I'd describe it like this...

Have you ever eaten half a bag of a FAMILY sized bag of Skittles and half an hour later done physical labor? (I have. The sugur rush gets your heart going so fast you sweat in negative temperatures and you feel like your chest is about to explode.) Have you ever taken a bath in carbonated water? (Well, me neither on that one.) How about the old battery on the tongue thing? (Ok, I admit to doing that one too.) Anyway, my torso had the sensation that I was doing all of those things, only the heart rate was normal and I wasn't sweating. I thought for sure my super powers were finally going to kick in!

And then I told my chiropractor about this, who made me go to the doctor, who told me that the stomach infection that I have (and have known about since 1991 but thought for sure the body would have taken care of it after 18 years) is more than likely pressing nerves and causing the sensation of being "charged".

Damn. I want to fly and breathe under water and blow shit up with my hands.

So now I have this handy bottle of pills and have to go in on Thurs so they can run a camera down my throat to see if there's damage to the lining of my innards.

At least someone'll be taking some pictures!

I think I'll ask them to just run the thing out the other end and have them give me a good "dental flossing".

:)

Typical Blah Blah

I have no particular subject to cover today. My camera hasn't shown up at Best Buy yet and the trees are rapidly shedding leaves all over the area I'm wanting to take pictures of, but it still looks nice and I'm looking forward to getting back to working on it in the morning.

At some time today I'll need to fix my lawnmower trailer. One of the loads of rock was a little too much for it and when I attempted to climb The Path, the load shifted and now everything is all bent to hell. So I named it Quasimodo.

We carried the trailer back to the house 'cuz now one of the wheels can't turn.

I feel the appropriate guy thing to do would be to swear a lot over this inconvenience. And yet, it just strikes me as being funny. Plus, there's opportunity here. Necessary ingenuity! :)

Then, after planting 30 some perennials last weekend, I seem to have acquired another 23 over the course of this week. Damn those greenhouses and their end-of-season sales!

But mostly I'm just stalling for time so I can say...

Mom's Birthday is today. (It's after midnight now, even though this particular computer must be set up for a different time zone as it thinks it's still 9 something pm on the 11th.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

(Didn't get you anything yet, unless you want some perennials or a Quasimodo looking garden trailer...)

Digital Camera Ordered...

Should be here by the 15th.

Let's see what comes first - Me getting pictures on this blog or Sheila updating hers.