The Garden of Sexual Innuendo

How's that for a title?

I'm a gardener, as were my ancestors before me.

At least on Mom's side. I suspect Dad's side of the family did more hunting than gathering, as every year he asks me if I'm taking vacation to go hunting with him.

And every year I say, "No, Dad. I'm not taking a week off from both jobs to drive 6 hours to where you hunt so as to sit in a tree by myself for 5 days in a row, with a good chance of the entire week being a snowstorm, and then driving 6 hours home again at the end of the week, just for the chance of shooting a deer. After all, the car has *x many miles* (currently 281,000+) Maybe one day I just won't "see" one of the deer standing on the road. Or maybe I'll just go buy more beef."

Of course, people who really get into hunting don't understand this logic.

I've gone hunting. I just prefer not to hunt. The last time I shot a critter was a couple summers back, when rabbits ate 37 of 40 tomato plants the night I planted them. (It was a rough summer on the rabbits that year, but the carrion eating critters ate well.)

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the 3 plants they didn't eat were Grape Tomatoes.



Yes. I like gardening.



Now I live in town. I don't have the room for the large veggie garden that I'd like to have, which is OK because I'm equally happy with flower gardening. I'm currently working a shade garden at the end of my dead-end street, and a 16x14 ft raised garden at the back of my patio.

I haven't really worked with shade plants much so I've been having a lot of fun looking at what's available. I've already been offered ferns by 3 different parties, but the plants I've suddenly taken a liking to are the Hostas.

It's probably because many Hostas have fun names, like "Hanky Panky", "Dancing in the Rain", "Striptease", etc.

So recently, while the kids and I were having spaghetti (which I will always remember clearly as it's the first time in my life I actually made the right amount of noodles) I had a revelation.

I should name my patio and gardens!

For the patio, I'm thinking "Safari in Africa". (Although nothing about the patio suggests Africa... unless toad and fairy statues are common there. You'll see the reason for this name in bit.)

For the gardens that are supposed to be in the sun, I'm thinking names such as "The Witness Protection Program", "The Amazon Jungle", "The Peace Corps", "A Gypsee Caravan", or other similar names .

For the shade garden, I'm thinking a name like "The Bed With College Girls".

And now, the explanation for the names of these gardens, as I explained to the kids over our perfect spaghetti portions. As I go through this, please create a mental picture of my teenager looking at me with this "You have got to be the strangest person on the face of the planet" blank stare, and his younger brother outright laughing.



So anyway, it went something like this...

"Guys, what do you think about this? I'm thinking of naming the patio "Safari in Africa". I'll be out there a lot again this summer, so I was thinking we should call it that so when someone calls and asks for me, you can tell them 'Dad's on "Safari in Africa"', instead of 'He's on the patio.' I'm also thinking of naming the gardens. That way, rather than say 'Dad's in the garden', you can say 'Dad's in "The Witness Protection Program"', or 'Dad's in "The Amazon Jungle"' or something like that."

The shade garden is going to take up a lot of my time this summer.
For that reason, it needed a special name.

Once I've gotten a few more plants, my kids'll be able to tell the caller, "Dad is in 'The Bed With College Girls'. There's a little "Hanky Panky" and some "Striptease" action. He's working on some "Sweet Thing" and I'm sure that soon there will be some "Dancing in the Rain". He likes to refer to it as 'The Garden of Sexual Innuendo'..."

I'm thinking this would make me sound studly and would be sure to impress the caller.

Alas, I'm sure they'll just bring my cell phone out to me.